I am a size...

Today I went shopping...

Once upon a time, at several different times in my life, this has been a fun past time. Those times are the times when I feel I am the "right size" or a "normal size" for me. For me, I have always felt that there is a "perfect size" and I have been trying to achieve it since I was 13 years old. I have succeeded quite a few times and then "failed" many other times. I am specifically putting quotations around failed for a reason. For so long, I have kept thinking that if I am not this number, I am a failure. There truly is apart of me that knows that is completely messed up...and another part that justifies it. Now, if anyone else is bigger than this perfect size I have in my head, they are not failures...only I am. I tend to be different with myself than with others. Different = Harder. Lately, I have been trying to break free from this number. How can I possibly label myself a number? I am a child of GOD! Not some number in the fashion industry!

Jeremiah 1:5

Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart

I look at myself sometimes and think, "Really God? This is what you had in mind when you formed me?" Then I get mad that I even questioned my Creator. What a spoiled child I am. I can walk, talk, speak, see, read, taste, touch, jump, skip, laugh, taste, touch, hop, dance...so many actions I have that so many cannot and yet it's not enough.

I don't want to be spoiled or discontent. I want to be satisfied in a reasonable way. I don't want to be full of myself. But I want to see what God sees in me. I guess one way to start would be to accept who I am and take responsibility for my actions and protect myself from the mistakes I could make.

Today I went shopping and came to the realization that I am not the size I have tried to conjure in my head I am. No more, "Oh I am a 6, but I'm a little bloated right now" or "Oh, I am usually a 6 at other stores..." Nope, I am not going to live in denial anymore. I am not going to keep holding onto those jeans that fit in college and bust my butt to get back into them and cry in my closet when I try them on after a while and they still don't fit right. I am not going to try and keep putting on those 6's and see muffin top and want to punch myself for not working out the past week because I got caught up in work. I am not going to break myself down anymore. I have got to start seeing the Light and hearing the Truth and quit believing the lies that the world and the enemy have put into my head.

Today I am going to proclaim that I am a size 8... I am a size 8... I am a size 8.

I know there may be some people who would love to be a size 8. Well, I would love to love to be a size 8. But I'm not there yet. But I want to be. I want to be proud of my body, my curves and just say screw it to society and the "perfect size" - however I will admit I am weak right now...but I have faith I can get there. I have hope that one day, I will walk into a store, see those jeans on the rack and smile that they have MY SIZE in stock. I pray that that day will come when I have a pep in my step on the way to the dressing room and slide those jeans over my hips and check out my butt in the mirror and be proud of how good it looks in a size 8.

Father God, thank you so much for another day not promised to me. I am so thankful for my life with You, for my husband, family and friends. Thank you for the gifts and blessings you have bestowed upon me. I hope I honored you today. Lord, please help me to be strong in the small moments. In the moments of choosing to live for You and not for my own selfish reasons or vanity. God, I am weak and I want to give You all of me. But this one aspect of my life, my body, the one you gave me, is so hard to give back to You. My will power is shaky. Help me to find ground and walk steady on a path to a healthy life and body image with You as the center. I pray this all in Your awesome name.

Amen

Beginning to blog...

So, I have a bunch of stuff on my mind lately. Just want to put it somewhere. I had to create this blog for a class a while back and I figured why not utilize it. I'm not really concerned if anyone does or doesn't read it. It's truly just for me. I may post some private ones, and I may just put it all out there.

I guess I just want an outlet for several things. For good and bad, for joy and pain. I just want somewhere to put it and get it out of my head and heart. Maybe if I physically see the words on the page, it will make something click inside me or give me some kind of revelation. Not sure...

I just know that there are days when I get so mixed up. Where I get so sidetracked and blinded by so much the world is throwing at me. The things I want do not coincide with the things I actually NEED.

When it comes down to it, all I truly need is my God, my Christ and the Holy Spirit that lays inside me. I am still on fire for the Lord, but I'm not giving Him all of me. I'm at a point in my life now where something has to change. I'm praying that this blog, journal, diary or whatever it is labeled can help me fight through my daily struggles and bring some clarity. I hope it challenges me to dig deeper, pray harder and fight for the Truth and the Light...

Just Ask Him

I get it.

It's easy to have "fun"
It's easy to do what "everyone else is doing"
It's so much more simpler to be "normal"
It's so much more simpler to be the "typical" or "quintessential" age that you are and do all the things you are "supposed" to do at that age - from puberty until the day you die...we all are going through it

It's just selling out. Plain and simple. I know. Been there, done that. Learned.

Who said that 16 years old = be out of control and be sexually active?
Who said that 18 years old = the above plus find drugs and alcohol if you haven't already?
Who said that 21 years old = be drunk because you can be legally now?

Who said that all of those things were "normal" or "fun"?
Is it really "fun"?
Hangovers are "fun"?
Regrets are "fun"?
Mistakes are "fun"?
Nights you can't get back and words you can't take back are "fun"?
Do you really know if "everyone else is doing" that one thing you now covet?

Yeah, you're right that it is easy. It's the easy way to get through life. Because it's not living up to the full potential that you were created for. It's giving in way too early in the game.

The other life, it's harder. No doubt. No one ever said, if I trust Jesus, life is cake. It's a struggle. It's giving it all away for something bigger and better and much more beautiful. It's selling out, but not to anything this earth can give. It's selling out to the One who made you, who saved you and shows mercy, even when we have no gratitude some days.

It's so funny to look at life now. To look back and see how even in all the chaos I created for myself, God was in it all and was always good. God was forgiving and was there the whole time, yet I just never looked His way.

Has it been easier since I sold out to God? Not really. Some moments are so much more difficult than they were before because I am aware of the life I had before Christ and the temptations I gave into so easily. I will say this though - Life is so much sweeter. I wake up with a smile. That may sound cheesy but it's true. I have a joy that I can't describe.

I have a purpose. I believe we all have the same purpose. To love God, love people, accept and follow Jesus Christ and spread the word of God using the gifts and talents He gave us. That's why I get up everyday now. The other stuff, the job, the car, the house, the "normal" - that's all the perks of some of the earth and the setting of the story and background noise. Even my husband, who I love more than anyone else, other than Christ; even he is just a sweet part of the deal that I have with God. I believe God brought us together for His reasons and I thank Him everyday for Mark. But, Mark is not my everything and if I didn't have him, I still have life and my purpose would continue without him. Because God is my everything.

Is that purpose hard? Is that life easy? Depends on the day...but either way, God is there.

When you wake up from your "fun" night, are you alone? Do you feel alone? Do you feel empty?

You don't have to.

So, yeah I get it. It's easy to sell out to all the other stuff. But I promise, to sell out the other way...will be worth it. It might not seem like it in this moment, but one day, it will be. The best part, God will be there, with open arms and a forgiving heart. You will still be just as precious to Him as the day you were born and will stay that way until the day you die and walk into His Kingdom.

If you don't believe me, just ask Him.

Sadness

I've been pretty sad these last few days. Mostly because of some of the things I hear that my friends or acquaintances did with their Easter Weekend. On a day when we are supposed to reflect over the crucifixion of Jesus, some were using their Good Friday, to lay out by the pool and get wasted. Which also happened Saturday and then they roll into church on Sunday morning with a hang over and poor attitude because they don't want to disappoint their parents. What about not wanting to disappoint the Lord? It breaks my heart for God, for Jesus and for these people who just don't seem to get it. They take those days for granted. Sunday was a day to glorify the One who died and rose for YOU! Instead, you took advantage of those days and didn't do anything honorable. I'm not saying I'm perfect, or that I didn't commit any sins over the course of those days. I guess I just feel like at least some sort of an effort should be made on all of our parts if we call ourselves believers.

25 Random Things About Me

25 Random Things About Me

1.) I love noodles. It is a comfort food to me. When I am emotional or having a rough day, I usually want a noodle. Any kind of noodle.


2.) My brother and I are 3 years and 51 weeks apart. I was actually due to be born on his birthday, but I came early.

3.) I absolutely love my mother’s laugh. It is loud and infectious and I can’t help but smile when I hear it. I have been told at times that my laugh is similar and I am very happy about that.

4.) I would rather be cold and bundle up in a sweater, comfy pants, socks, scarf, blanket and snuggle than be hot, sticky and sweaty.

5.) I have a jar of peanut butter and spoon in my nightstand. Peanut butter is another comfort food for me.

6.) I love swimming. As a kid, I used to get in trouble when I “fell” in my neighbors pool. I loved playing Marco-Polo and categories. I love playing in sprinklers, having water balloon fights, water guns, hot tubs, long hot showers…come to think of it, I just love water!

7.) Speaking of water, I think water is pretty much one of the most amazing things God created. It is fragile and clear and runs through fingers, yet it is so powerful it can push over cars and trees and forms a body that boats can float on. We are made up of water, we need it in order to survive, yet if we drink too much we can die. It comes in so many forms, like rain, sleet, snow, hail and it can freeze into blocks of ice, then melt away into a river. It blows my mind away!

8.) I like to eat pieces of things two at a time. For example, I like to eat popcorn, M&M’s, peanuts etc. I like to take two and put one of each side of my mouth and chew them at the same time. I feel it evens things out.

9.) My favorite time of year is the Fall. I love when the colors change and the weather is cool enough to wear long sleeves. You can roll your windows down when you drive, sit outside and have a meal or go for walks and get that amazing breeze.

10.) I want to travel to Australia, Africa, Spain, Rome, Paris, Czech Republic, Italy, France, Germany, Ireland and China. I also want to get in an RV and travel to all 50 states and Canada too! (Note: Ahem, my husband just pointed out that I can't make it to Hawaii by RV. But I've been there twice so it's ok.)

11.) I love basketball. I grew up in gyms. I love everything about it. I love the smell of the gym, the sound of the ball hitting the court floor. I used to lie on the gym floor under the bleachers. I loved the feel of the vibrations and the sound of shoes squeaking. I love the game, the discipline it takes to succeed at the game, the rowdy crowd and the sound of the buzzer. Most of all, I love that I have all those cool memories with my father.

12.) I have the most comfortable chairs on the planet. They are called, Cuddlers. They are the greatest recliners ever. If you don’t believe me, come over and sit in one. I promise you will not be disappointed.

13.) I try to relate to money in terms of the $1 menus and McDonalds and Wendy’s. For example, if someone says, “Oh, it only costs $5.00 less”, my response will usually be, “Are you kidding me? That’s 25 chicken nuggets or 5 Double Cheesburgers!”

14.) I can only wear ankle socks with shorts, like when I work out. I cannot wear them when I wear pants or jeans. I only wear long socks with pants or jeans.

15.) I will pretty much do anything adventurous or outdoorsy EXCEPT for bungee jump, base jump or skydive.

16.) I love thunderstorms. As a child, my mom had me sit with her under our covered front porch and we would watch thunderstorms. She said she did this so I wouldn’t be scared of them. I love the sound of rain on the roof, the rumble of thunder and the crack of lightning.

17.) I do not drink coffee or tea. I have tried. Truly. I will admit, I have wanted to be one of those “cool” people walking around with their fancy Starbuck cups. I cannot. If you do see me with this cup, it is filled with Caramel Apple Cider.

18.) My favorite animal is my dog, Chewie. He is the best dog in the world. My cat, Princess Leia, is a drama queen. I’m not gonna lie, I love her too, but not as much as I love Chewie.

19.) I am in the process of getting my Masters in Digital Media. I have been for about 2 years. I have no idea how much longer it will be till I finish. I am in no hurry.

20.) I am supposed to read “Twilight”. I don’t necessarily want to, but so many of the kids I minister to have read this book and I need to be able to relate to them and not feel so dumb when they swoon over Edward.

21.) I have the cutest nephews and niece ever! We can have a contest if you want and Savannah, Slade and Landon will blow everyone out of the water!

22.) At some point in life, I want to be comfortable and confident enough to sing and play for a congregation. I would love to one day lead worship.

23.) I have written 10 songs in the last 9 months about my feelings for God and the impact that He has had in my life. I have number 11 in my pocket right now and I hope to finish it today. I pray that I continue to write, sing and worship Him until my dying day.

24.) I married my best friend, January 17th, 2009. This date was significant because it was exactly one year to the day we met. We married in the church we serve in together. I am truly blessed to have married the love of my life. He loves me just as much as I love him. He loves the Lord more than he loves me, but I come as a close second. I couldn’t ask for anything better than that.

25.) I will strive to be the best wife, mother, and most important, follower of Christ.