Once upon a time, at several different times in my life, this has been a fun past time. Those times are the times when I feel I am the "right size" or a "normal size" for me. For me, I have always felt that there is a "perfect size" and I have been trying to achieve it since I was 13 years old. I have succeeded quite a few times and then "failed" many other times. I am specifically putting quotations around failed for a reason. For so long, I have kept thinking that if I am not this number, I am a failure. There truly is apart of me that knows that is completely messed up...and another part that justifies it. Now, if anyone else is bigger than this perfect size I have in my head, they are not failures...only I am. I tend to be different with myself than with others. Different = Harder. Lately, I have been trying to break free from this number. How can I possibly label myself a number? I am a child of GOD! Not some number in the fashion industry!
Jeremiah 1:5
Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart
I look at myself sometimes and think, "Really God? This is what you had in mind when you formed me?" Then I get mad that I even questioned my Creator. What a spoiled child I am. I can walk, talk, speak, see, read, taste, touch, jump, skip, laugh, taste, touch, hop, dance...so many actions I have that so many cannot and yet it's not enough.
I don't want to be spoiled or discontent. I want to be satisfied in a reasonable way. I don't want to be full of myself. But I want to see what God sees in me. I guess one way to start would be to accept who I am and take responsibility for my actions and protect myself from the mistakes I could make.
Today I went shopping and came to the realization that I am not the size I have tried to conjure in my head I am. No more, "Oh I am a 6, but I'm a little bloated right now" or "Oh, I am usually a 6 at other stores..." Nope, I am not going to live in denial anymore. I am not going to keep holding onto those jeans that fit in college and bust my butt to get back into them and cry in my closet when I try them on after a while and they still don't fit right. I am not going to try and keep putting on those 6's and see muffin top and want to punch myself for not working out the past week because I got caught up in work. I am not going to break myself down anymore. I have got to start seeing the Light and hearing the Truth and quit believing the lies that the world and the enemy have put into my head.
Today I am going to proclaim that I am a size 8... I am a size 8... I am a size 8.
I know there may be some people who would love to be a size 8. Well, I would love to love to be a size 8. But I'm not there yet. But I want to be. I want to be proud of my body, my curves and just say screw it to society and the "perfect size" - however I will admit I am weak right now...but I have faith I can get there. I have hope that one day, I will walk into a store, see those jeans on the rack and smile that they have MY SIZE in stock. I pray that that day will come when I have a pep in my step on the way to the dressing room and slide those jeans over my hips and check out my butt in the mirror and be proud of how good it looks in a size 8.
Father God, thank you so much for another day not promised to me. I am so thankful for my life with You, for my husband, family and friends. Thank you for the gifts and blessings you have bestowed upon me. I hope I honored you today. Lord, please help me to be strong in the small moments. In the moments of choosing to live for You and not for my own selfish reasons or vanity. God, I am weak and I want to give You all of me. But this one aspect of my life, my body, the one you gave me, is so hard to give back to You. My will power is shaky. Help me to find ground and walk steady on a path to a healthy life and body image with You as the center. I pray this all in Your awesome name.
Amen
